In which I explain what makes me breath

Today was a day of protest. I met up with Tamara and Katie and two others whom I didn't know in San Francisco. We went to the protest against the Iraq war. Sure, it was also sort of against Israel which I'm not. But it was good anyway. We walked from Powell and Market to Pier 33. It was hot, it was long, it was right. I loved it. Then I saw Sho. I don't know what to think anymore

My emotions are in a strange state. When I mean to feel sad, I simply can't. I'm detatched. I observe emotions from a distance and wonder where they're coming from. It sounds odd, I know. But this is where I am.

I feel passion in odd ways. I do things because I love them. The things I love the most- gay rights, writing, acting- I feel most accutely. I am alive when I can do these things. I am most myself when I act. I am most myself when I am someone else. I am most myself when I can tell a story on a page. I am most myself when I can help others. I am most myself when I don't think about myself. When I concentrate on me, I become someone else. I become a lie and a liar and a harlequin. I'm a walking contradiction

Aren't we all?

What makes you feel alive? What makes your heart beat and your blood flow and your mind function? Dear reader, valued friend, my confidant, tell me, why do you live? Why do you get up every morning? What promise keeps you awake, alive, real? What makes you who you are? What keeps you from being a liar?

I know we all have something to make us live and something to make us ache and yearn. I live to find something right. I ache to feel justice. I yearn to know that those I love are safe and free.

But is that enough? Is it enough for me to yearn and desire that which I hold near and dear? It is easy to love my lover and hate my enemy. The least of beings could do as much. It is simple to wish good things on those whom I care I about. It is not so easy to love your lover and your enemy. I can't do that yet. Who can?

So I guess a goal for this year is to make that one of my passions. Even when I'm detatched from most of my emotions, I can feel my passions. So if I were to make loving everyone a passion, I could always feel that. That's a goal. I will learn to love my enemies, my friends, my family, and those I don't know and will never meet. That will become my passion. This is a lifelong goal. Care to join me?

Quote of the Day
Tell me how many beads there are
In a silver chain
Of evening rain,
Unravelled from the tumbling main,
And threading the eye of a yellow star: -
So many times do I love again.
~Thomas Lovell Beddoes