Homesickness is the worst disease. It's like a creature who crawls up in your chest and settles in for the long haul. You can't grab at the damn thing or shake it loose, it just scrapes at your heart with dirty fingers and holds too tight to let you breath or grow. Everything hurts, even breathing because when you breath, the air is wrong, it's off, something just is so off you don't know what you can do to fix it.
Waking up in the morning is the worst, because any dreams you might have had of home, of friends, of family, they're all wrong. You wake, thinking maybe you're home, maybe things are right again. But everything looks wrong, everything smells wrong, a city full of strangers and eyes who don't know you, don't love you, don't care about you. And even if your room is supposed to be your own corner of home, it's not. It can't be, because home is not just things we can collect. It's the air we are breathing, like a glow you inhale from the place you belong. And even if the new place is beautiful or exotic or exciting, it's not where you belong and the air might as well be full of tacks for all the good it does you.
And so you try to make it right, try and fix the things that aren't wrong and even more, the things that can't be fixed. You try to crawl out of your skin, hoping that maybe you're dreaming or that maybe you can leave the old skin behind to save your place while you flee back to the home you love or at least know. And it's useless, because no matter how many times you might shed skins or change hats or try another kind of smile, you can't bring back the home you've left behind.
My home is a city that smells like fog. Thick fog, I can wrap around me, wear like my own clothes, protective armor.
New York has no fog
1 people have thoughts on this topic:
awww, this is going to sound hoaky as fuck but this Will make you Stronger. and of course it Will get easier. When Gian left Nipomo, my heart was ripped to shreds...i'm even getting a kinda burning feeling in my eyes as i type this - BUT, i love it now that he flew the nest and is thriving. It's the best thing for kids to leave their parent(s) and their same old shit to LIVE new places and breathe different art and walk around new cities (in daylight when it's safe). You're a BraveChick to go away that far it's no wonder you're a little out of it. It'll get better, it'll get way better.
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