the things that i do

I do the hiding how I feel and keeping all locked up till I find I'm choking on sadness and hurt and anger kind of thing.

I do the not knowing how I even feel till I'm on the kitchen floor, panicking and screaming at someone who doesn't know either kind of thing.

I do the carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders till I'm hunched and bent and broken and dropping thing after thing because I can't hold it anymore kind of thing.

I do the panic dance, the one that sends me into hysterics while I shake and shiver and am certain that this can never ever pass.

I do the sharing and not sharing at the same time because it's hard to be the left out one, who loves something weird that people like to tease.

I do the long, silent, languid depressions, lying in bed all day with a book or cat or a computer while I wonder, wonder, what has wormed into my heart, what is eating a hole through my middle.

I do the put on smiles and the fake feelings and the face like plastic kind of thing

I do the spinning head from so many twisting stories and ins and outs of social things.

I do the mind filled and aching and confused and burned and lost and twisted around until I can't even think.

I do the freezing loneliness, the kind that makes you wonder why you'd even bother because this loneliness, this is the kind of loneliness that digs down into your bones and sticks with you, no matter how you claw at yourself and tear at your skin, it's the kind of loneliness that will never ever go away, even years after it first introduces itself to you by burning your palms and fingertips.

Shit, I do the stupid, burning, lonely things, then wonder why I fall into bed and stare down the walls, aching.