blerg. i am so looking forward to spring break.

I am the world's worst blogger I think. But anyway, I'm here to write today. Really, I should be in class right now but after waking up, having a panic attack and then crawling back into bed, I decided perhaps staying in today would be the way to go. Right. So here I am. In the kitchen and about to start scrubbing. But right now I figured it is update time. About what is going on in my life!

• I am working on a personal project about my roommates, shot on black and white 4x5. It's fun but such a fucking hassle. I don't own my own large format camera, so every Friday after class I run over to the cage and pick up a camera, a light meter, two lenses and a tripod and haul everything back to my apartment, which is on the west side. School is on the east side, so it's a long fucking haul. But it should be worth it. I just processed my first batch of film and I've got something so far so hopefully I'll get something out of all this crazyness. I'll try and post something from this project once I get negatives scanned. Remind me to do this! Side note: If anyone happens to have a 4x5 camera they don't want or know where I can find one on the cheap, let me know!
• I've sent off my photos to the dance company I worked for over the summer. I've been told that the photos will be sent around to the dancers, who may order prints from me. This means I'll be paid for doing photography. Which is RAWK. So yeah.
• I worked in the studio for this first time without a class or a classmate to show me what the hell I was doing. And I figured out how to use a pocket wizard. On my own! I feel like a fucking genius. Indeed.
• The Art Students League has called me back! Which means they will give me hours which means I'm going to be paid to pose nude for classes there. Dream job! And the pay is really quite decent, so I'm happy. All is well.
• Ah yes, also, I have had some dates! With a lady named Lisa! And we are going out to MOMA and to get dinner on Sunday. Which is Valentines Day. So that's pretty much also RAWK.

As to the mental state: Dwyn is in an odd space as of late. Minor depression issues are still there and the panic attacks are much less but still happen every now and again. But it's less these things and more a feeling of a need for something I can do without feeling like I need to turn it in to someone and watch it get torn apart. Because I love photography, I really do, but lately, I've been needing some kind of medium where I can get away from the system that I have going in photography, which is shoot shoot shoot, critique critique critique, lose sense of what the shit I'm doing, shoot shoot shoot. So I may pick up an instrument. I just need to find a place to vent some of this tension. I also need therapy but that's a different thing entirely. For now, I'm sort of containing the crazy and keeping together until I can do something about it. I could use a hug. And a listening ear. Because I've got tons of things that are going on inside me and I really just need a hug and someone to listen without giving advice. I just want to hear that it's going to be ok.

Oh and for those of you who are unaware, I have written my father a letter pretty much addressing how upset I am with everything. And he replied. And yes, it was bullshit. So I'm also in a weird place with that. I should write a reply but I have not. And I'm not in a great hurry to. I think my father might be worried that I'm not going to speak to him anymore but I guess... I don't think I really care. So that's my sort of heartless stance right now. Righto.

Well, off to clean and worry and work now.