In which I hate and am hated

Gah, ok, so another paragraph, no idea what number this is. So horray.

You just.... I don't even know where to begin. First we were friends and I really trusted you. I really did. You were my first high school friend and I was totally excited to know you. But then, I came out and stuff just sort of fell apart. I don't really know what happened, you never really talked to me again. And at first, I completely didn't get it. I just couldn't understand what happened. I came from the school where it was uncool to be mean or bitchy, so the idea that someone else would be mean to me was just not something I understood. So after a lot of hurting, someone told me you thought I was trying to date you or something ridiculous like that. And so I just sort of laughed and that was it. Over. No more problems. But now, it's all sort of coming up again, I see you more and it scares me and I want to scream sometimes because how could someone be so easy going, how could someone just be so happy and nice to everyone else when all of this happened. What made me so different? I just can't comprehend. And I did smile and laugh for a while and it was ok. But now, now that I'm trying to run away to NY, I'm just trying to deal with everything and I just can't get past this. What happened? What did I do that was so wrong? What you did hurt, it hurt a lot, there are still days when I wish I could just take it all back, laugh and say it was a joke. I wish this hadn't happened like it did. I somehow still miss you, still wish nothing ever had to change. There used to be days I wished I could be straight, just so you'd like me again. Nothing I do will ever give me your approval and that just kills me. I still dream about killing myself just so I could leave a note telling you how much you screwed me up.

You may not even notice I'm alive but I miss you and I hate you for what you did and I hate me for being someone you could do this to. Just notice I'm alive, goddamn it, just apologize, let me know you at least know you did something wrong.

Quote of the Day
Hatreds are the cinders of affection. ~Walter Raleigh