i scare myself

I've been so head based lately, it's ridiculous. I sit in my room a lot and I think and I read and organize books and dream. And I don't see a whole bunch of people. I think about things I wanted to do, parties I wanted to be involved with, places I wanted to see, people I wanted to spend time with and I find that the things I wanted are less and less the things I want.

This is hard for me to say. I hate conflicts and fighting and drama. It gives me headaches and I'm not good at doublespeak and I feel all too often like I owe it to everyone to do things without asking for the help I need. And I feel like asking for help or saying when something is too much for me is a failure as a friend. I needed a lot in the past and now that I am recovered (well, mostly) from the things that went on in my life, I have this guilty self that tells me that now I owe everyone and that nothing I do can ever pay it off. After all, some things are the things that friends just do, so those things don't count. And I feel like there's a tally against me and I cannot ever pay it off. Ever.

I'm crying as I'm writing this because I'm hurt and I'm scared and I hate having fights and I know, I just know that this will be a fight and it's not one I have the energy or the strength to have.

But this is it. I don't owe my friends in the way you'd owe an acquaintance money or favors. Friendships don't work like that. There isn't supposed to be an invisible tally of the emotional strength and energy I've needed from friends and there isn't a debt that can be paid off. It's not so simple as that.

So we've established that I don't owe friends like that. I can't.

But what's upseting me? Well, here it is.

I feel like the only way I talk to a number of my friends in CA is if I facebook/call/email/whatever them first. And I get that everyone is busy and I get that everyone have lives outside of me and more exciting things to do and I get that friendship is a two way street but it doesn't stop hurting that it feels like no one is reaching out to me. And it's true during the summer and it's true during the school year.

And I hear the complaints about how hard the time difference is for everyone here. Well guess what? Not really. Because phones are not the only means of communication. An email is a way of communication actually, and I don't have to be there to respond right that second. And I'm here this summer and I'm still mantaining good contact with my friends who don't live in the same time zone. It's not that big of a detail. If we don't talk on the phone, we chat via facebook or emails or text messages. We stay in touch and it's not that difficult.

So I'm hurting because I already tried to ask but I'm not good at asking for help.

I don't know, I just thought it didn't take that much to pick up a phone and call but maybe it does. And I get told to just wait, because everyone is too busy right now and next month people will have time for me but next month I'm working hopefully 2 or 3 jobs and I won't have time for anything that isn't work.

Mostly, and I know this is jumbled and hard to understand, like near everything I write, I'm just done. I'm done planning things that no one helps with. I'm done feeling like if I don't plan something, nothing will happen. I'm done dealing with feeling hurt because no one has time to even email me. I'm done letting myself be hurt like this. I'm done getting dismissed and ignored. I'm done hurting so fucking much. I miss NYC and I want to go back because I had a life there.

And last night, I found myself thinking that people only talked to me without me having to hunt them down when I was really fucked up and going through the really bad stuff my junior year of high school and I found myself wishing I could be that again because then at least my friends would like me again.