In which I hate my heart for making adore people I shouldn't

I'm just going to give a quick update about my trip here in New York. So this morning, I woke up at 9 (I think). That's something like 6 am California time. But I was doing pretty ok until about three or four hours ago. So I was pretty awake and alert from 9 to about 8 or 9 pm. That's about a good twelve hours. So at least I'm awake for a good part of the day. Then we (we being Leslie, Mom, Garrett, Alex, Benny, Tina, Pat, Rocky, and Mark) hung around the house. At about noonish, Pat, Tina, Leslie and Mom started cooking dinner. We didn't eat til like 6 or 7ish. That's a good 6 hours of cooking. WOW! And we also dyed eggs and Mom and Tina and Leslie told stories about college and earlier in their lives. Then Chris (Pat's son) and his girlfriend, whose name I forgot, came here too. We all ate and then Mark, Tina, Alex, Rocky, and Benny left and Chris and his girlfriend took the room upstairs. And now Mom, Leslie, and I are all sitting in the living room. It's nice.

Anyway, tonight's blog is another paragraph to a person. I think this is paragraph number six. This person has read my blog at least once, I think she may have left a comment. Anyway, I don't know if she still reads. If she does, I'd love a little comment or perhaps a note via ichat. So I'll talk now

I worry a lot about you nowadays. I shrug it off that you don't talk to me but I still worry about you. I know you've dealt with a lot of shit. I don't intend to trivialize your issues. I'm not the kind of person who would do that, I know better. But I have issues too. I didn't go through the same stuff but I've gone through another kind of change. So I'm dealing with things the best I can. And when you came into my life, I was a bit taken aback because it's not often I meet someone who wants to date me who also gets the screwed up parts of me so well. But then I started feeling like I couldn't tell you anything. It wasn't a trust thing. I was just afraid of breaking you, of making you feel overwhelmed with your own issues plus worrying about me. So instead of dealing with things the way I should have, I bitched to my friends, tried to avoid you and then broke up with you as soon as I got up the courage to. It was wrong, it was stupid, I still feel really terrible. You deserve better then what I gave. And then, for the week following, I was content. But more and more, I look back at our time together and I realize what I screwed up. I'm trying not to think this, I'm trying to derail my thoughts but, as of yet, I haven't managed to kill of that part of me that still adores you. How fucked up is that? In my head, I think about all of what I would do if I could get just one more chance. But there was only one chance. And I'm just messed up enough where my head went right on ahead and sabatoged the one really great thing I had going for me. I thought awful things when we dated, I made myself miserable and I blamed it on you because I couldn't deal with myself. And now it's over, I look and see and I know that everything was my fault. I should have been more open. I should have done a million things better. I've apologised before. I haven't been this honest though, not with you, not with my friends, not with anyone. Especially me. So let me sum it up simply: I still adore you, I still want you, but I'm terrified of hurting you and I'd never ask you out because I'm afraid to hear your answer.

So I know there's not a chance you'd want my sorry ass back but at least know I'm always around when you need a friend. Maybe we could get lunch sometimes? As friends, I don't ask and I don't deserve more.

Just don't hate me for feeling like this. I will deal with everything in time, it's just going to hurt while I do it.

Quote of the Day
I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
~Amy Lowell, "The Letter"